Tuesday, 28 December 2010

101 Horror Movies You Must See Before You Die

So last Christmas my wife bought me a book called 101 Horror Movies You Must See Before You Die. As a big horror buff I had watched many of the films on the list but I was annoyed that I had been missing out on many classics. I set myself the challenge of watching all 101 films by the end of the year. Not that I have any plans on dying soon or anything but more to see if I could. After an amazing start to the year, I was soon well on the way to completing my goal extremely early. Sadly I soon stopped watching films from the list at the pace I started. And before I knew it, it was December and I had fourteen films left to watch. But with some late nights and my wife kicking my ass and making me watch a film from the list rather than playing on the PS3 or flicking through the Sky channels to find something to watch. I’m pleased to announce that on 27/12/10 I completed my list and have now watched all 101 horror films. I have enjoyed some great films that I wished I had watched years ago. The Golem, The Phantom of the Opera (1925), The Old Dark House, Black Sunday, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Nosferatu the Vampyre, The Hunger and A Tale of Two Sisters. These are some amazing horror films. Sadly like all good lists I had to sit through some real turkeys. Diabolique, Cat People, The Innocents, Peeping Tom, Repulsion, Hour of the Wolf, Blacula and The Others. Considered as classics? You must be joking. I am very pleased I have completed my challenge. Now I’m going to have to find another list of films to do in 2011
1. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1919)
2. The Golem (1920)
3. Häxan (1922)
4. Nosferatu (1922)
5. The Phantom of the Opera (1925)
6. Dracula (1931)
7. M (1931)
8. Frankenstein (1931)
9. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)
10. Vampyr (1932)
11. Freaks (1932)
12. White Zombie (1932)
13. The Old Dark House (1932)
14. Island of Lost Souls (1932)
15. King Kong (1933)
16. The Black Cat (1934)
17. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
18. The Wolf Man (1941)
19. Cat People (1942)
20. I Walked with a Zombie (1943)
21. Diabolique (1955)
22. The Bad Seed (1956)
23. The Curse of Frankenstein (1957)
24. The Horror of Dracula (1958)
25. The Tingler (1959)
26. Eyes Without a Face (1959)
27. Peeping Tom (1960)
28. Black Sunday (1960)
29. Psycho (1960)
30. The Innocents (1961)
31. Carnival of Souls (1962)
32. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)
33. The Haunting (1963)
34. The Birds (1963)
35. Onibaba (1964)
36. The Masque of the Red Death (1964)
37. Repulsion (1965)
38. Viy (1967)
39. Hour of the Wolf (1968)
40. The Devil Rides Out (1968)
41. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
42. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
43. Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970)
44. The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)
45. Daughters of Darkness (1971)
46. Blacula (1972)
47. The Last House on the Left (1972)
48. The Exorcist (1973)
49. The Wicker Man (1973)
50. Don't Look Now (1973)
51. Deathdream (1974)
52. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
53. Deep Red (1975)
54. Jaws (1975)
55. The Omen (1976)
56. Carrie (1976)
57. Eraserhead (1977)
58. Suspiria (1977)
59. The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
60. Halloween (1978)
61. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
62. Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979)
63. Phantasm (1979)
64. The Brood (1979)
65. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
66. Dressed to Kill (1980)
67. Friday the 13th (1980)
68. The Shining (1980)
69. An American Werewolf in London (1981)
70. The Howling (1981)
71. The Beyond (1981)
72. Poltergeist (1982)
73. The Hunger (1983)
74. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
75. Re-Animator (1985)
76. The Fly (1986)
77. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
78. A Chinese Ghost Story (1987)
79. Hellraiser (1987)
80. Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
81. The Vanishing (1988)
82. Jacob's Ladder (1990)
83. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
84. Man Bites Dog (1991)
85. Candyman (1992)
86. Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)
87. Cemetery Man (1994)
88. Scream (1996)
89. Ringu (1998)
90. Audition (1999)
91. The Blair Witch Project (1999)
92. The Sixth Sense (1999)
93. The Devil's Backbone (2001)
94. The Others (2001)
95. 28 Days Later (2002)
96. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)
97. High Tension (2003)
98. Ju-on (2003)
99. Saw (2004)
100. The Descent (2005)
101. The Orphanage (2007)

Monday, 13 December 2010

Raine Brown Tribute

This is my tribute to the amazing actress Raine Brown.
Find out more about Raine at www.rainebrown.com

Thursday, 9 December 2010

The Tortured

With the tag line "From the producers of the Saw" splashed all over the DVD front cover. It is clear that the makers of this film were trying to attract the torture porn crowd. I must admit to only watching this because I'm a big fan of Bill Moseley. But sadly yet again Moseley's acting talent is wasted. This had the pretence to be a really deep and meaningful psychological thriller. If it had a totally different cast that is. The story revolves around a couple whose young son is kidnapped and murdered by a paedophile (played by Moseley) and after a deal with the DA he subsequently gets a rather lenient prison sentence. So the couple come up with the plan to kidnap him and take revenge. After conveniently knowing when Moseley's character is being transferred from prison they easily get to him and take him off to a house in the woods for some torture. You are supposed to believe and feel the hurt and torment that the couple are going through after the murder of their son. I'm sorry but Jesse Metcalfe and his blinding white teeth just don't work for me. His acting is abysmal and at no time is he convincing. Erika Christensen does okay with her role as the grieving mother. But it never rises above TV series acting. Over syrupy flashbacks are laughable and sadly the set up for the shock twist ending is clear very early on and takes away any suspense from the film. But okay a torture porn film doesn't really need a believable plot. Yes it's true but the film never delivers on its promise of gore or torture. Most the film time is taken up with talk by the couple about all the horrible things they are going to do to their victim. But they never live up to the talk. Horror/thriller fans will be bored and torture porn fans will feel short changed. I'm just left with the feeling of what an awesome film this could have been.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction

Yet another Zombie comedy, only this time with a "political" message. The set-up is standard Zombie fare. A small redneck town have to deal with a Zombie outbreak. But the town folk are convinced that the outbreak is due to a terrorist attack. So that doesn't bode well for the main female lead Frida, who happens to be an American- Iranian. She is soon being held responsible for the plague by a racist hick father who attempts to interrogate her for answers. This is clearly a jibe at the ignorance that some Americans hold since 9/11. I enjoyed the running gag of the fact that Frida and her father are continually mistaken for Iraqi, just because of the war. The other standout characters are a gay couple from New York who also not only have to deal with the outbreak but a group of homophobic church goers too. At one point during being hold up in the local church the preacher attempts to rid the gay out of the couple by using the anti-gay chair. (A wheelchair, an IV drip and what the preacher classes as homoerotic images) I found the gore levels and FX to be top-notch and it is shot very well for a low-budget film. I was a little confused by the weird ending and although the comedy aspect of ZMD nowhere near reaches the heights of Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland. It is still thoroughly entertaining and miles ahead of other resent low-budget Zombie flicks

Saw 3D

Game over? So this is the "last" film in the Saw franchise. I had thought that part five was the death of Saw. But part six really injected some energy into the franchise. So I had really high hopes going into to this. Sadly all the hard work of part six is completely undone again. As this was the last film I was expecting the final game to focus on someone moderately more connected to the previous saw films. And seeing the return of Cary Elwes as Dr. Gordon thought it would centre on him more. Although he has an essential part to play in the film it's nothing more than a cameo. Instead a completely new character plays the game this time round. I will not divulge why, as not to spoil the surprise. Needless to say the film ticks all the saw boxes, traps, plot twists, blood, guts and lashings of gore. But while there are plenty of traps on display, none of them are to the standard of previous efforts. I was glad that the Hoffman and Jill Tuck story continued. (Complete with a shocking outcome) because Detective Hoffman for me is still one of the best movie baddies of recent years. The film did end on what seems like a proper ending. Things seemed to be wrapped up nicely. But the biggest question I was left wondering was why the 3D or should i say where was the 3D? To say there is a lack of 3D elements in this film would be an understatement. I was really let down by how no effort was made. Nothing new, just a couple of cheap tricks that were used in countless 80's 3D films. It was so very clear that the 3D was an afterthought when making this film. Though not the best offering, it still felt like an appropriate ending to a genre changing franchise. But when I say ending I really wouldn't be surprised if next Halloween Saw eight hits the screens. If so please not 3D or at least make an effort.

Don't Answer the Phone

This film is without doubt pure exploitation. A deeply disturbed photographer and Vietnam veteran terrorizes and kills young women while taunting a female psychologist, by calling her on a radio call-in show. I know I shouldn't have really enjoyed this sleazy film so much but it's just so entertaining. Despite some rather graphic misogynistic violence there are genuine moments of humour. The two lead detectives play most their scenes for laughs, a bust on a brothel had me thinking the film had changed into a slapstick comedy. We are treated to some cheesy montages complete with a soundtrack ripped right from a 70?s porno. And acting and dialogue that borderlines on the absurd. Nicholas Worth's performance as the troubled killer is totally over the top. Some of the scenes of him talking into a mirror or to his "father" are creepy and hilarious at the same time. But for some reason this just adds to the appeal of the film. Apart from some moments of raciest dialogue, that dates the film a little and a somewhat lacklustre ending. I enjoyed every sordid minute. This is exploitation at its best.

Monday, 6 September 2010

A Serbian Film

I did think more than twice about doing a review for this film, as I wasn’t sure that I wanted anyone to know I had watched it. I can unquestionably announce that this is truly the most shocking and disturbing film I have ever watched. I had read all the hype surrounding this film but was very sceptical as I have been caught out by hype about “shocking” films before. Murder-Set-Pieces, August Underground, Slaughtered Vomit Dolls you name it I’ve been left disappointed by it. After watching this however I was left utterly speechless. The first thing that stuck me was how wonderinfully shot and made this film is. No grimy low budget movie on display here. The look of this film could effortlessly pass as a Hollywood blockbuster. Another thing that stood out was the time taken to fully flesh out the main character Milos. You Love actually have some feeing for him and care about him and his family. Milos is a former porn star, who is offered a crazy amount of money to perform in a porn film produced and directed by shady Vukmir. Only catch is that he doesn’t know what type of porn he is shooting until he turns up on the day. What follows takes the torture porn genre to a whole new level. I’ve seen films with scenes of extreme sexual violence, rape and necrophilia before but what made me really perturbed watching this was the aspects’ of paedophilia and underage sex. I doubt I would have been as shocked if it wasn’t for these scenes. There is a scene that involves a newborn baby that outdoes the outrageous baby scene in D'Amato's Anthropophagus. (I didn’t think that would be possible) When Milos refuses to perform in Vukmir’s sick film. We see him next waking up at home beaten, with his wife and son missing. He then backtracks in a drug induced daze to figure out what happened. And through a series of flashbacks he (and we) wittiness all the unimaginable things he did. The ending of this film is truly one of the most soul destroying and sickest in cinematic history. I can’t honestly recommend this film to anyone. By using paedophilia the filmmakers have really pushed the envelope and surely broken the last taboo of what is acceptable in mainstream cinema. I know it was only done to shock (and it worked) but I can only hope that it doesn’t become acceptable for other films to follow and indeed try and out do.

Monday, 9 August 2010

Werewolf in a Women's Prison

This film delivers exactly what the title suggests. A werewolf in a womens prison. Lots of soft-core T&A cheesiness. Customary lesbian scenes and who can forget the sadistic warden. However, this movie doesn't rely on sexploitation alone to provide its entertainment. Its so refreshing in this day and age of CGI FX that this film has a classic guy in a suit werewolf. Complete with red laser eyes. Though ridiculous, is in fact pretty damn cool and I'm pleased they weren't shy about showing it. The acting is up to the normal dire standard for this type of film. The one exception being Eva Derrick who plays a supporting role as Rachel. Who out shines everybody else in this film, by being able to act and being way hotter than any over girl in it. The gore is well over the top and very tacky but great fun and very amusing to watch. A very notable scene has a poor girl getting Bisection by prison bar. This is a great modern exploitation flick. Hilarious, sadistic, sexy and offensive what more could you ask for a WIP movie.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010


This is one nasty little film. Ok so the plot is your benchmark campers run into a homicidal backwards hick in the middle of know where. To be honest I did start to find myself getting bored with all the mindless dialogue that I had to sit through for half the film. But by the time the final act kicks off, all hell breaks loose and it turns into one of the most brutal and sadistic torture sickies I have ever watched. The gore factor is amazing and the torture scenes are very disturbing .One scene in particular will have the male viewers sitting rather uncomfortably. It was refreshing to see some creative death scenes that haven't been seen hundreds of time before. Yes this is a low budget film and the plot is nothing new. Yes it's a little over long and at times tedious. But I guarantee that you soon forget all these minor quibbles because it is one hell of a gorefest. This is absolutely not for the Squeamish.


How can a film with such a strong cast of renowned actors. Graham McTavish, Michael Rooker and Tony Todd. Be one of the most mind-numbingly lacklustre films I've ever watched. The basic plot is religious psychos are kidnapping strippers and torturing them to cleanse their souls. The whole film is shot in the annoying hand held camera documentary style. Even during scenes when it's completely improbable that someone would keep the camera rolling. If this is supposed to be a torture gorno and shocking? it fails. Most of the action is left to the imagination. The only kudos I can give this travesty of a film is that one scene will make the male viewers watching sit uncomfortably. But sadly most the running time is taken up with long winded dialogue that at times makes no logic what so ever. The best thing about this film is when it was finished. What a disappointment. Please don't waste your time.

Monday, 2 August 2010


This is Eva Angelina’s science fiction epic. And I really do mean epic, it cost over $350,000 to make, boasts a cast of 40 and the running time clocks in at an astounding 4 hours and 44 minutes. I believe the best way to describe this film is a mix of “Strange Days" and “The Matrix” but with added intense sex. Eva Angelina plays Cassandra Cray, a strong-minded Federal Law Enforcement Agent for the Digital Security Agency (DSA), which is part of Homeland Security. Angelina is on the trail of Tesla (Hillary Scott), a girl who records her sexual escapades onto a chip, which allows others to experience what she does. (Ala Strange Days) And who is believed to be in possession of a new chip, which acts like a super virus that affects the GRID. The movie is told in flashbacks. Angelina is brought before an Internal Affairs psychiatrist and she recounts the sordid tale of how she tracked down Tesla. Although this is porn with a plot and is aimed at couples. The sex scenes are quite hard and not for the timid. Fisting, pissing, anal, lots of choking and an orgy scene set in hell which is so of the most graphic scenes I’ve ever seen in a “mainstream porn” film. Upload is also noteworthy for Angelina doing her first on-camera anal and double-penetration. And Hillary Scott not to be outshined has a very heated 5-on-1 gangbang scene. I was impressed with how good the acting was and very dazzled by the good use of special FX. The complexity of the plot does get a little lost because some of the sex scenes seem to go on too long. But Sex Z Pictures have set a very high bench mark for what adult Feature films should aim for.

My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Oh dear looks like I'm going to have to eat humble pie. I'm forever bemoaning the fact that there are so many horror remakes (reimagining) being made. Most if not all unnecessary in my view. But something strange happened when I watched this? I was truly blown away. I can honestly say that I enjoyed this more than the original. This had everything I want from a slasher film. A high body count, over-the-top gore, graphic violence, gratuitous female nudity, humour and bad acting. But what was most important about this was the fact it was entertaining and fun. Don't expect to get any deep character development, the pace of this film doesn't allow for that. This cuts to the chase and gets down and dirty. Blood, gore and obliteration by pick-axe are the order of the day. A big thumbs-up to film-makers who have concocted many interesting and imaginative deaths involving a pick-axe. Big kudos also have to go to Betsy Rue, Her short scene manages to be sexy, hilarious and scary all at the same time. Oh and she is completely naked throughout.

At the end of the day this is a cheesy, brainless homage to '80s slashers. But it knows it and never tries to be anything more than that. It truly was an enjoyable experience to watch. So if you're a fan of trashy slashers, I highly recommend you see this. And look out for Tom Atkins as Sheriff Jim Burke. Nice to see him back in a horror film.

Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (Halloween Camp)

So after recently watching the abysmal Bloody murder one, why would I bother with this second instalment? Well Tiffany Shepis is in this, simple as that. This is set five years after the events of the previous film. Same plot, camp counsellors at a summer camp, regale each other with tales of serial killer Trevor Moorehouse. They decide to play a game of bloody murder. Then slowly they start to disappear one by one. Is Trevor Moorehouse back? This has the same mix of Slasher / murder mystery as part one. But I'm pleased to report that this is very much a step up and far superior sequel. The blood and gore in the first five minutes of this outshine the whole of what red stuff the original had to offer. Superfluous sex & nudity has also been added. Shepis unleashes the "twins" throughout. (Yes I'm a perv) I would also say that the acting is pretty good for a film in this genre. If the first was a rip off of Friday the 13th this one has moments lifted from Scream. Horror movie clichés and rules are discussed. The only black guy even refers to himself as the "token" black guy And the relationship between Katy Woodruff and Tom Mullen's characters are clearly like Sidney and Billy. Although this is a superior sequel, Be in no doubt that this is still an ultra low budget slasher. But a very entertaining one at that. Oh for some reason this film has been called Halloween Camp here in the UK? And it has the stupid tag line 'Jason Vs Trevor' I really have no idea why? The character called Jason is the dead brother of the Katy Woodruff's character and is only seen in a dream. So really has nothing to do with the plot at all. Cash in on Freddy Vs Jason maybe?

Hard To Die

So my love for cheesy and preposterously bad movies continues. Five store employees arrive at work in a high rise tower to take the yearly inventory at Acme Lingerie. But during the moving of files, the sprinkler system is accidentally activated. Leaving the group of girls wet. So they each in turn have to take showers and god forbid they put dirty clothes back on. So what is there to wear? Luckily there is plenty of skimpy Lingerie. So the rest of the film they are running around in Lingerie and heels. In between taking showers the girls find and open a puzzle box that contains the spirit of a killer who killed members of a Sorority House. Someone in the building becomes possessed by him and starts killing off the girls one by one. Although at its core it's a slasher film. (Alternative title Sorority House Massacre 3) Director Jim Wynorski in a touch of genius tries to add a bit of action by giving the girls machine guns. What follows is some extreme over the top gun play. (It would put John Woo to shame) all of course while still wearing lingerie. Gail Harris, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Deborah Dutch, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney are all enjoyable to watch. Orville Ketchum takes allot of punishment thought-out and is humorous in the way he takes it. Babes, Blood and automatic weapons. A must see for any cult film fan or if any fan of soft-core T&A.

Bitch Slap

This is a glossy update on the exploitation genre. In a homage to Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Three smoking hot girls Trixie, Hel and Camero travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin. But are the girls all that they seem? Cue 90 minutes of slow motion cleavage shots, spilt screens and big guns. It's clearly predominantly been shot on green screen. So all the CGI backgrounds give the whole thing an eye-catching graphic novel style akin to Sin City. Although all the girls in this film are scantily clad and there are scenes of lesbianism. The nudity count is zero. It's all shot in an erotic way rather than being too porno. The soundtrack is thumping. And I can truly say that one of the fight scenes is as good as anything I've ever seen. Two hot girls kicking seven shades of hell out of each other. No cat fighting here, this is brutal violence. America Olivo as Camero really steels the film for me. Her performance as a tough no nonsense, slightly unhinged kick ass psycho is astonishing. Look out for some nice cameos from Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo. Some crazy plot twists and it all adds up to a toughly non-stop entertaining enjoyable watch.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

This whole film has its tongue firmly placed in cheek. Its Trippy, its Camp and it's all about surreal embellishment and melodramatic excess. Realism plays no part in this. From the blood that resembles strawberry juice to Price's outrageously theatrical make-up. But as long as you have a macabre sense of humour, I think you will enjoy this film as much as I did. Price is at his hammy best as the disfigured organ playing Dr.Phibes. Phibes is seeking revenge on the group of surgeons, who he blames for killing his wife in an unnamed surgical operation. What follows is a compelling carnival of murder in an art deco looking world. All the murders (based on the plagues of Egypt) are as much genius as they are ridiculous. Rats on planes and shrinking frog masks to name just a couple. And there is a sick death trap/puzzle at the end, which is equally as disturbing as anything seen in a Saw movie. At its heart this film is a love-story. Price gives an outstanding performance as the anguished Phibes. Creepy and funny, yet tragic all at the same time. Comic moments come from Peter Jeffrey as the apparently slow Inspector Trout. Also look out for Terry-Thomas and an uncredited role for Caroline Munro.

Sexykiller, morirás por ella

I'm not sure how to categorize this Spanish film? It's a Serial killer, zombie, slasher and comedy all rolled into one. And it's absolutely fantastic. Clearly not taking itself too seriously, it's just fun all the way. Everything you'd want in a horror is here. Graphic and Gory deaths and lots of superfluous nudity. The Comic aspect works well. There were moments when I was in fits of laughter. Also Somehow in-between all the mayhem of murder, it finds time to fit in a love story. There are plenty of references to over horror films. Hell they even manage to reference the teletubbies. Also what stands out is Macarena Gómez throughout the film breaks down the 4th wall. Chatting to the camera like a diary. And talking of Gómez, she is wonderful as the sexy killer Barbara. She is energetic, bubbly and extremely sexy. The pacing of the film is spot on. I wasn't bored for a minute. Yes it's a goofy film, but ever so much fun. I highly recommend you give this ago.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Unliving Dead

Be in no doubt that this film is pure exploitation. Young Japanese girls parading around in school uniforms & bathing suits. And just in case you thought this was anything but. When you hit the scene with Sasa Handa in a wet bikini doing pushups with a ball-gag in her mouth! Any Uncertainty will have disappeared. The "plot" revolves around a virus that is turning all the school students not on the swim team into zombies. The aforementioned Japanese AV star Sasa Handa plays Aki, a new transfer student with a secret. Along with the swim team she sets out to take down the zombies.The Zombie Horror is really secondary to the Soft-core T&A. There are some nice moments of gore. But the budget is so low that they are more comical than shocking. Some of the camera shots are plainly outrageous and superfluous. Up-skirt shots, slow monition running and plenty of Soft-core lesbian scenes throughout. It all adds up to make this very silly, absurd and sexist. But oh so very enjoyable.

Monday, 26 July 2010

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

This film is unquestionably an exercise in how to crap all over a horror icon. I may be a little bias as I love the original nightmare. Robert englund also happens to be one of my favourite actors. Even though it felt wrong watching this, I thought I better give New Line the benefit of doubt before passing comment. My biggest worry going into this was unlike the Friday remake where you just have to stick a hockey mask on an actor and go be Jason Voorhees. Robert Englund is Freddy, for eight films and a television series this man has brought the character to life. But take away any feelings I have about Robert not playing Freddy, was this any good? The answer is no! Michael Bay has managed yet again to take a classic and entertaining horror and turn it into an insipid, boring yawn fest. The new Freddy just isn't scary. His face looks plastic, and he sounds like Christian Bale's Batman. Okay kudos have to be given to Jackie Haley for stepping in to the roll of Freddy. Sadly he is let down by some poor scripting and poor film making. Director Samuel Bayer needs to go back to his day job of music vignettes. Every other minute in this he has gone for the quick cheap scare tactic. Turn the music score down low followed by a loud noise. This really is the height of lazy horror film making. Unlike the main characters in the original being friends and going through the nightmare together. There is only one scene in this where they are seen together. Plus there is no attempt of any kind to build any characterisation, so you really don't care when they die. Also there are no real nightmare scenes? No Freddy chases or the classic long arms. Added new angles are micro-naps, where you don't know if the characters are asleep or not? And a totally laughable sub-plot where it seems Freddy may be innocent? Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old? But I don't need every scene explained to me in dialogue to know what's going on thank you very much. I know this film is aimed at teenagers but they surely can't be that stupid? The only good thing I can say about this remake is that the ending is better than the one in the original. But that is hardly high praise because the ending in the original is the only thing that is poor. Now I get to look forward to the Hellraiser remake. Yay can't wait.

Not Airplane XXX Flight Attendants

X-Play/Adam and Eve continues with their run of parodies with this tribute to the classic spoof film Airplane. It tells the tale of Global Air and its drop dead gorgeous flight attendants, and its sex-starved pilots. Global Air is struggling after an unfortunate accident in which all passengers save one perished in a crash. It looks like they will go out of business because of failing to compete with their major competitor TransCon Air. But With the help of new Flight Attendants, accident survivor and former Miss Teen America Kayden Kross and Misty Stone a foul-talking ghetto single mother. Global Air tries to stay in business. What follows is slapstick comedy and some really hot sex scenes. Some of the best comic moments come from the batter between Global's crew and TransCon's devious staff led by Eva Angelina and Sunny Lane. Evan Stone and Randy Spears play pilots for Global Air and are funny as always. But its James Bartholet plays a hilarious gay flight attendant that really steals the comic performance. Stand out sex scenes are the ones between Evan Stone and Kayden Kross in a hotel room and Randy Spears and Shyla Stylez on the plane. And my particular favourite is an amazingly breath taking smoking hot Girl/girl scene with Teagan Presley and Lexi Love. My only slight gripe is with the over use of POV footage. It’s fine for a virtual or gonzo movie but seemed a little out of place in this. All in all this is one of the best parodies of recent years. Very enjoyable.

Dead Air

When Terrorist detonate chemical bombs turning people into rabid maniacs. A radio shock jock and his crew continue to broadcast. Relying on callers to inform them as to what is unfolding outside. While there is nothing new or inventive about this low-budget zombie/virus flick. It does go a long way to proving what I have known for years that Bill Moseley is a truly great actor. Portraying a "normal" person in this rather than the twisted psychos he is renowned for playing. He carries the film and makes it his own. Thats not to say that the rest of the cast don't do a good job. Patricia Tallman and David Moscow also give good performances. The zombie action is minimal and I would say that at times it feels a bit preachy for a horror flick. Lots of political and religious views throughout. But the film was directed by Corbin Bernsen so it was to be expected. That also probably sums up why at times it feels like a TV movie. Not the best zombie/virus film, but its different and entertaining so worth a watch.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

I'm not really sure how to review a film like this? How can I say I enjoyed this film without people thinking I'm odd? From the first time I set eyes on the trailer I just knew I had to see it. Does it live up to all the internet hype? I'm pleased to say that it does. At last an original and inventive take on the torture flick. Although the synopsis is nasty. Its gore factor is not as graphic as I was expecting. The film isn't dumbed down and comes off as intelligent. It sort of reminded me of some of Cronenbergs earlier work. Suspense is used rather than out and out horror. There is also a wonderful pitch black humour running throughout. At times the film is slow-moving and gets a little tedious. But the story is so intriguing that it doesn't matter. Dieter Laser's performance as a Doctor Frankenstein type surgeon is at times outrageously over the top. But it pays off because it works so well. The truly most frightening thing about this film is that the surgical method used is believed would work in real life. I highly recommend true horror fans fed-up with crappy remakes to see this.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Private Parts (1972)

This is a Bizarre, amusingly weird drama/horror/comedy? (It's a hard film to categorize) One thing it is for sure is a sick and perverse little masterpiece. It teases you with some sex and violence but never really goes all out. Sexy young Cheryl Stratton (Ayn Ruymen) is a not so naive teen who comes to live in a hotel run by her Aunt Martha (Lucille Benson). The hotel is occupied by very odd folk, not the least of which is the shy photographer George (John Ventantonio), who develops a fixation on Cheryl. a fixation which leads him to spy on her and even stick a portrait of her on his sex doll before filling it up with water and then pumping it full of his own blood?? There is very little nudity, bloodshed or bad language here but you'll think it was full of it when the movie is over. Akin to Chainsaw massacre in that respect. I'm pleased I watched this film and cant believe its not more talked about?

Timo Rose's Beast

Another gorefest from Timo Rose. If there is one thing this guy knows it how to make the claret flow in the most spectacular way. This is an incredibly brutal werewolf film. Though due to obvious budgetary constrictions you never get to see the werewolves properly. This doesnt matter as you get some really nasty set pieces. And fantastic fight scenes. The cast are brilliant. Barricades Raine Brown and Joe Zaso return as brother and sister. Rose regular Thomas Kercmar is particularly nasty as a sadistic criminal. Brit scream queen Eileen Daly has a nice role. Gets to show of her curves as well. And some great comic relief comes in the form of a couple of Werewolf Hunters (One played by Rose) and Tanja Karius is extremely sexy with her broken English. On the whole It a fun blood-soaked werewolf film.

Pearblossom (AKA Murder World)

This film is fantastic. God, gore, guns and lesbians. What more could you ask for? Lovers Rhea and Brooke are attending a New Years Eve party in 1969. After a rather vicious and unpleasant incident occurs, the two girls flee. On the way however they have a run in with god. 40 years later the girls awake as Vampire avengers. And when the two girls reach the Murder World gas station all hell breaks loose. What follows is sexy, gory and funny. The death scenes while not very original have some quality special FX. Most of the film's humour is provided by the legend that is Charles Napier. He brings his brilliant dry wit to the character of Sherriff Tillman. The repartee between him and Danny Woodburn is hilarious. But I'm going to honest; this film is all about the talented and smoking hot Sophie Monk. No one can play a bad girl quite like her. She oozes sex but also manages to be very menacing at the same time. She gets to have the most fun in this film. And clearly shows what a fine actress she is. All in all I thought this was a nice twist on the standard lesbian vampire narrative. I can candidly say that the scene with Sophie Monk and Anya Lahiri walking down the highway on a moonlit night is an image I will not soon forget. This film is not perfect by any means. and even though 80% of the action takes place in the gas station. It was just so much fun that at no point was I bored. Look out for a cameo from Halloweens Scout Taylor-Compton and for the amusing fake TV programme chicks chase chickens.


What first made me want to watch this was when I read that this was the World's first single continuous shot Horror film. Sadly for what seems on paper as a fresh and unique premise for a film. In reality turned out to one of the most amateurish efforts I had ever witnessed. The whole execution of this film is poor. From sound mixing to acting, everything is abysmal. This film relies heavily on dialogue. It's just a shame that the script must have been written by a first grade drama student. And to make matters worse the cast are truly appalling and can't deliver a line to save their lives. I have never been so bored watching a horror as I was watching this. Thank goodness the running time is just over an hour. (Although it did seem longer) But what really makes this terrible is the fact that the opening scene manages to make glamour girl Danielle Lloyd look like an Oscar winning actress compared to what follows. A wretched, monotonous and complete failure of a film. PLEASE AVOID

The Shiver Of The Vampires

More vampire shenanigans from the master of gothic atmosphere Jean Rollin. If there is one thing that Rollin does better than anyone else in his films its producing some fabulous eerie and dreamlike atmosphere. This film is of course no exception. In fact I think it is more about atmosphere than plot. A young honeymooning couple stop for the night at a castle. Unbeknownst to them, the castle is home to a horde of vampires. This leads to ample amounts of nudity and soft-core lesbian vampire action. Although very Low-budget and thin on plot, I did thoroughly enjoy this film. But I must say that I found the two lead make Vampire's over camp. Also the cheesy psychedelic rock score seems really out of place. But any gripes can be forgiven because Rollin muse Marie-Pierre Castel gets a small role as a Maid. And thankfully she gets a generous amount of mostly naked screen time.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Delta Delta Die!

Tiffany Shepis, Julie Strain and Brinke Stevens all in the same film! I was in scream queen fan boy paradise even before I watched a second. Strain heads a group of murderous sorority girls with one thing on their mind, manufacturing pies out of guys for their yearly bake-off. This is B- movie fantastic! Its daft, amusing, trashy and ever so entertaining. Loads of T&A on display throughout. Some stand outs being the Shepis strip tease dance and Strains puppies on display every five minutes. Dont get me wrong its not all about the naked flesh. The script is pretty strong and there is plenty of gore. This is just a great piece of enjoyable trashy cinema.

La polizia chiede aiuto (What Have They Done to Your Daughters?)

This is a very enjoyable Giallo. Although it was never going to be in the same league as an Argento or Fulci effort. Dallamano puts together very suspenseful and realistic and resolute Thriller. Considering that the film revolves around the exposure of an underage teenage prostitution ring. It would have been so easy to make this sleazy and gratuitous. Luckily it does not focus on nudity and gore but rather focuses upon the actual investigation of the crimes. I would say the only thing that disappointed me about this film was a less than satisfactory ending.

The 8th Day

The 8th Day is a star vehicle for Kayden Kross. And once again proves that the lines between adult cinema and mainstream cinema are becoming even more blurred. With an interesting plot and film making of the highest order. This will become a classic. Its Packed full of superb sex scenes. A stand out being Bree Olson, Tori Black and Poppy Morgan. Playing some sort of mutant cat characters they screech and hiss as they go at each other. All the sex scenes that are beautifully lit and fit with the story. Kayden Kross does a really fine job with the acting as well as being involved in some hot scenes. And carries the film along well. It has to be said that The 8th Day has probably got one of the worst endings to an adult or even a mainstream film ever. But this is only an insignificant gripe because the rest of the film is so good.

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

This film ticks all the classic slasher film boxes. A high body count, stupid teens, gratuitous nudity and generous helpings of over the top gore. Each year students celebrate Blood Night. The anniversary of the death of a local axe-murderer. But of course the evening soon turns to terror when one by one they are bumped off. Is it Mary back from the dead? I really enjoyed this film. It doesn't try to be clever or complex. It's just a balls out fun slasher. There are some sweet comic moments in between the gore and the added element of the ghost story leaves you wondering who or what is doing the killing. The two big names in this film, Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris do steal the show. But that's to be expected. My only slight gripe is that the party scene does drag and seems a little superfluous. But I could and will gladly watch this again and again. This is a must see for fans of old-school slashers.


Oh my god! WOW! How can a film do this to me? Its the most brutal thing I've ever viewed but somehow simultaneously its the most amazing mind blowing viewing experience I've ever had! I'm someone who has spent a life time watching every kind of horror film imaginable, Sitting through most laughing my head off. I didn't laugh once watching this. It is an extremely scary and exceptionally suspenseful. I cant quite explain what genre to put it in? Its a revenge drama. Its a ghost film. Its extreme torture gorno. It has trances of Salo and moments of Hellraiser. It is very realistic in its violence, never cartoonish like a Saw film. It's a gala of intense human suffering, malice, and malevolence that is incredibly difficult to stomach. But somehow ends up being exceedingly poetic and something very beautiful and thought provoking. Although this maybe one of the most exceptional horror films ever made. I would not dare recommend it. It is undoubtedly not for everyone. My other half watched this with me and ended up being physically sick. Not because of the films graphic gore, but because of how intense the film is. I think Martyrs is a real milestone in horror.