A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

This film is unquestionably an exercise in how to crap all over a horror icon. I may be a little bias as I love the original nightmare. Robert englund also happens to be one of my favourite actors. Even though it felt wrong watching this, I thought I better give New Line the benefit of doubt before passing comment. My biggest worry going into this was unlike the Friday remake where you just have to stick a hockey mask on an actor and go be Jason Voorhees. Robert Englund is Freddy, for eight films and a television series this man has brought the character to life. But take away any feelings I have about Robert not playing Freddy, was this any good? The answer is no! Michael Bay has managed yet again to take a classic and entertaining horror and turn it into an insipid, boring yawn fest. The new Freddy just isn't scary. His face looks plastic, and he sounds like Christian Bale's Batman. Okay kudos have to be given to Jackie Haley for stepping in to the roll of Freddy. Sadly he is let down by some poor scripting and poor film making. Director Samuel Bayer needs to go back to his day job of music vignettes. Every other minute in this he has gone for the quick cheap scare tactic. Turn the music score down low followed by a loud noise. This really is the height of lazy horror film making. Unlike the main characters in the original being friends and going through the nightmare together. There is only one scene in this where they are seen together. Plus there is no attempt of any kind to build any characterisation, so you really don't care when they die. Also there are no real nightmare scenes? No Freddy chases or the classic long arms. Added new angles are micro-naps, where you don't know if the characters are asleep or not? And a totally laughable sub-plot where it seems Freddy may be innocent? Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old? But I don't need every scene explained to me in dialogue to know what's going on thank you very much. I know this film is aimed at teenagers but they surely can't be that stupid? The only good thing I can say about this remake is that the ending is better than the one in the original. But that is hardly high praise because the ending in the original is the only thing that is poor. Now I get to look forward to the Hellraiser remake. Yay can't wait.

Not Airplane XXX Flight Attendants

X-Play/Adam and Eve continues with their run of parodies with this tribute to the classic spoof film Airplane. It tells the tale of Global Air and its drop dead gorgeous flight attendants, and its sex-starved pilots. Global Air is struggling after an unfortunate accident in which all passengers save one perished in a crash. It looks like they will go out of business because of failing to compete with their major competitor TransCon Air. But With the help of new Flight Attendants, accident survivor and former Miss Teen America Kayden Kross and Misty Stone a foul-talking ghetto single mother. Global Air tries to stay in business. What follows is slapstick comedy and some really hot sex scenes. Some of the best comic moments come from the batter between Global's crew and TransCon's devious staff led by Eva Angelina and Sunny Lane. Evan Stone and Randy Spears play pilots for Global Air and are funny as always. But its James Bartholet plays a hilarious gay flight attendant that really steals the comic performance. Stand out sex scenes are the ones between Evan Stone and Kayden Kross in a hotel room and Randy Spears and Shyla Stylez on the plane. And my particular favourite is an amazingly breath taking smoking hot Girl/girl scene with Teagan Presley and Lexi Love. My only slight gripe is with the over use of POV footage. It’s fine for a virtual or gonzo movie but seemed a little out of place in this. All in all this is one of the best parodies of recent years. Very enjoyable.

Dead Air

When Terrorist detonate chemical bombs turning people into rabid maniacs. A radio shock jock and his crew continue to broadcast. Relying on callers to inform them as to what is unfolding outside. While there is nothing new or inventive about this low-budget zombie/virus flick. It does go a long way to proving what I have known for years that Bill Moseley is a truly great actor. Portraying a "normal" person in this rather than the twisted psychos he is renowned for playing. He carries the film and makes it his own. Thats not to say that the rest of the cast don't do a good job. Patricia Tallman and David Moscow also give good performances. The zombie action is minimal and I would say that at times it feels a bit preachy for a horror flick. Lots of political and religious views throughout. But the film was directed by Corbin Bernsen so it was to be expected. That also probably sums up why at times it feels like a TV movie. Not the best zombie/virus film, but its different and entertaining so worth a watch.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

I'm not really sure how to review a film like this? How can I say I enjoyed this film without people thinking I'm odd? From the first time I set eyes on the trailer I just knew I had to see it. Does it live up to all the internet hype? I'm pleased to say that it does. At last an original and inventive take on the torture flick. Although the synopsis is nasty. Its gore factor is not as graphic as I was expecting. The film isn't dumbed down and comes off as intelligent. It sort of reminded me of some of Cronenbergs earlier work. Suspense is used rather than out and out horror. There is also a wonderful pitch black humour running throughout. At times the film is slow-moving and gets a little tedious. But the story is so intriguing that it doesn't matter. Dieter Laser's performance as a Doctor Frankenstein type surgeon is at times outrageously over the top. But it pays off because it works so well. The truly most frightening thing about this film is that the surgical method used is believed would work in real life. I highly recommend true horror fans fed-up with crappy remakes to see this.

Private Parts (1972)

This is a Bizarre, amusingly weird drama/horror/comedy? (It's a hard film to categorize) One thing it is for sure is a sick and perverse little masterpiece. It teases you with some sex and violence but never really goes all out. Sexy young Cheryl Stratton (Ayn Ruymen) is a not so naive teen who comes to live in a hotel run by her Aunt Martha (Lucille Benson). The hotel is occupied by very odd folk, not the least of which is the shy photographer George (John Ventantonio), who develops a fixation on Cheryl. a fixation which leads him to spy on her and even stick a portrait of her on his sex doll before filling it up with water and then pumping it full of his own blood?? There is very little nudity, bloodshed or bad language here but you'll think it was full of it when the movie is over. Akin to Chainsaw massacre in that respect. I'm pleased I watched this film and cant believe its not more talked about?

Timo Rose's Beast

Another gorefest from Timo Rose. If there is one thing this guy knows it how to make the claret flow in the most spectacular way. This is an incredibly brutal werewolf film. Though due to obvious budgetary constrictions you never get to see the werewolves properly. This doesnt matter as you get some really nasty set pieces. And fantastic fight scenes. The cast are brilliant. Barricades Raine Brown and Joe Zaso return as brother and sister. Rose regular Thomas Kercmar is particularly nasty as a sadistic criminal. Brit scream queen Eileen Daly has a nice role. Gets to show of her curves as well. And some great comic relief comes in the form of a couple of Werewolf Hunters (One played by Rose) and Tanja Karius is extremely sexy with her broken English. On the whole It a fun blood-soaked werewolf film.

Pearblossom (AKA Murder World)

This film is fantastic. God, gore, guns and lesbians. What more could you ask for? Lovers Rhea and Brooke are attending a New Years Eve party in 1969. After a rather vicious and unpleasant incident occurs, the two girls flee. On the way however they have a run in with god. 40 years later the girls awake as Vampire avengers. And when the two girls reach the Murder World gas station all hell breaks loose. What follows is sexy, gory and funny. The death scenes while not very original have some quality special FX. Most of the film's humour is provided by the legend that is Charles Napier. He brings his brilliant dry wit to the character of Sherriff Tillman. The repartee between him and Danny Woodburn is hilarious. But I'm going to honest; this film is all about the talented and smoking hot Sophie Monk. No one can play a bad girl quite like her. She oozes sex but also manages to be very menacing at the same time. She gets to have the most fun in this film. And clearly shows what a fine actress she is. All in all I thought this was a nice twist on the standard lesbian vampire narrative. I can candidly say that the scene with Sophie Monk and Anya Lahiri walking down the highway on a moonlit night is an image I will not soon forget. This film is not perfect by any means. and even though 80% of the action takes place in the gas station. It was just so much fun that at no point was I bored. Look out for a cameo from Halloweens Scout Taylor-Compton and for the amusing fake TV programme chicks chase chickens.

Cut

What first made me want to watch this was when I read that this was the World's first single continuous shot Horror film. Sadly for what seems on paper as a fresh and unique premise for a film. In reality turned out to one of the most amateurish efforts I had ever witnessed. The whole execution of this film is poor. From sound mixing to acting, everything is abysmal. This film relies heavily on dialogue. It's just a shame that the script must have been written by a first grade drama student. And to make matters worse the cast are truly appalling and can't deliver a line to save their lives. I have never been so bored watching a horror as I was watching this. Thank goodness the running time is just over an hour. (Although it did seem longer) But what really makes this terrible is the fact that the opening scene manages to make glamour girl Danielle Lloyd look like an Oscar winning actress compared to what follows. A wretched, monotonous and complete failure of a film. PLEASE AVOID

The Shiver Of The Vampires

More vampire shenanigans from the master of gothic atmosphere Jean Rollin. If there is one thing that Rollin does better than anyone else in his films its producing some fabulous eerie and dreamlike atmosphere. This film is of course no exception. In fact I think it is more about atmosphere than plot. A young honeymooning couple stop for the night at a castle. Unbeknownst to them, the castle is home to a horde of vampires. This leads to ample amounts of nudity and soft-core lesbian vampire action. Although very Low-budget and thin on plot, I did thoroughly enjoy this film. But I must say that I found the two lead make Vampire's over camp. Also the cheesy psychedelic rock score seems really out of place. But any gripes can be forgiven because Rollin muse Marie-Pierre Castel gets a small role as a Maid. And thankfully she gets a generous amount of mostly naked screen time.

Delta Delta Die!

Tiffany Shepis, Julie Strain and Brinke Stevens all in the same film! I was in scream queen fan boy paradise even before I watched a second. Strain heads a group of murderous sorority girls with one thing on their mind, manufacturing pies out of guys for their yearly bake-off. This is B- movie fantastic! Its daft, amusing, trashy and ever so entertaining. Loads of T&A on display throughout. Some stand outs being the Shepis strip tease dance and Strains puppies on display every five minutes. Dont get me wrong its not all about the naked flesh. The script is pretty strong and there is plenty of gore. This is just a great piece of enjoyable trashy cinema.

La polizia chiede aiuto (What Have They Done to Your Daughters?)

This is a very enjoyable Giallo. Although it was never going to be in the same league as an Argento or Fulci effort. Dallamano puts together very suspenseful and realistic and resolute Thriller. Considering that the film revolves around the exposure of an underage teenage prostitution ring. It would have been so easy to make this sleazy and gratuitous. Luckily it does not focus on nudity and gore but rather focuses upon the actual investigation of the crimes. I would say the only thing that disappointed me about this film was a less than satisfactory ending.

The 8th Day

The 8th Day is a star vehicle for Kayden Kross. And once again proves that the lines between adult cinema and mainstream cinema are becoming even more blurred. With an interesting plot and film making of the highest order. This will become a classic. Its Packed full of superb sex scenes. A stand out being Bree Olson, Tori Black and Poppy Morgan. Playing some sort of mutant cat characters they screech and hiss as they go at each other. All the sex scenes that are beautifully lit and fit with the story. Kayden Kross does a really fine job with the acting as well as being involved in some hot scenes. And carries the film along well. It has to be said that The 8th Day has probably got one of the worst endings to an adult or even a mainstream film ever. But this is only an insignificant gripe because the rest of the film is so good.

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet

This film ticks all the classic slasher film boxes. A high body count, stupid teens, gratuitous nudity and generous helpings of over the top gore. Each year students celebrate Blood Night. The anniversary of the death of a local axe-murderer. But of course the evening soon turns to terror when one by one they are bumped off. Is it Mary back from the dead? I really enjoyed this film. It doesn't try to be clever or complex. It's just a balls out fun slasher. There are some sweet comic moments in between the gore and the added element of the ghost story leaves you wondering who or what is doing the killing. The two big names in this film, Bill Moseley and Danielle Harris do steal the show. But that's to be expected. My only slight gripe is that the party scene does drag and seems a little superfluous. But I could and will gladly watch this again and again. This is a must see for fans of old-school slashers.

Martyrs

Oh my god! WOW! How can a film do this to me? Its the most brutal thing I've ever viewed but somehow simultaneously its the most amazing mind blowing viewing experience I've ever had! I'm someone who has spent a life time watching every kind of horror film imaginable, Sitting through most laughing my head off. I didn't laugh once watching this. It is an extremely scary and exceptionally suspenseful. I cant quite explain what genre to put it in? Its a revenge drama. Its a ghost film. Its extreme torture gorno. It has trances of Salo and moments of Hellraiser. It is very realistic in its violence, never cartoonish like a Saw film. It's a gala of intense human suffering, malice, and malevolence that is incredibly difficult to stomach. But somehow ends up being exceedingly poetic and something very beautiful and thought provoking. Although this maybe one of the most exceptional horror films ever made. I would not dare recommend it. It is undoubtedly not for everyone. My other half watched this with me and ended up being physically sick. Not because of the films graphic gore, but because of how intense the film is. I think Martyrs is a real milestone in horror.