My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Oh dear looks like I'm going to have to eat humble pie. I'm forever bemoaning the fact that there are so many horror remakes (reimagining) being made. Most if not all unnecessary in my view. But something strange happened when I watched this? I was truly blown away. I can honestly say that I enjoyed this more than the original. This had everything I want from a slasher film. A high body count, over-the-top gore, graphic violence, gratuitous female nudity, humour and bad acting. But what was most important about this was the fact it was entertaining and fun. Don't expect to get any deep character development, the pace of this film doesn't allow for that. This cuts to the chase and gets down and dirty. Blood, gore and obliteration by pick-axe are the order of the day. A big thumbs-up to film-makers who have concocted many interesting and imaginative deaths involving a pick-axe. Big kudos also have to go to Betsy Rue, Her short scene manages to be sexy, hilarious and scary all at the same time. Oh and she is completely naked throughout.

At the end of the day this is a cheesy, brainless homage to '80s slashers. But it knows it and never tries to be anything more than that. It truly was an enjoyable experience to watch. So if you're a fan of trashy slashers, I highly recommend you see this. And look out for Tom Atkins as Sheriff Jim Burke. Nice to see him back in a horror film.

Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp (Halloween Camp)

So after recently watching the abysmal Bloody murder one, why would I bother with this second instalment? Well Tiffany Shepis is in this, simple as that. This is set five years after the events of the previous film. Same plot, camp counsellors at a summer camp, regale each other with tales of serial killer Trevor Moorehouse. They decide to play a game of bloody murder. Then slowly they start to disappear one by one. Is Trevor Moorehouse back? This has the same mix of Slasher / murder mystery as part one. But I'm pleased to report that this is very much a step up and far superior sequel. The blood and gore in the first five minutes of this outshine the whole of what red stuff the original had to offer. Superfluous sex & nudity has also been added. Shepis unleashes the "twins" throughout. (Yes I'm a perv) I would also say that the acting is pretty good for a film in this genre. If the first was a rip off of Friday the 13th this one has moments lifted from Scream. Horror movie clichés and rules are discussed. The only black guy even refers to himself as the "token" black guy And the relationship between Katy Woodruff and Tom Mullen's characters are clearly like Sidney and Billy. Although this is a superior sequel, Be in no doubt that this is still an ultra low budget slasher. But a very entertaining one at that. Oh for some reason this film has been called Halloween Camp here in the UK? And it has the stupid tag line 'Jason Vs Trevor' I really have no idea why? The character called Jason is the dead brother of the Katy Woodruff's character and is only seen in a dream. So really has nothing to do with the plot at all. Cash in on Freddy Vs Jason maybe?

Hard To Die

So my love for cheesy and preposterously bad movies continues. Five store employees arrive at work in a high rise tower to take the yearly inventory at Acme Lingerie. But during the moving of files, the sprinkler system is accidentally activated. Leaving the group of girls wet. So they each in turn have to take showers and god forbid they put dirty clothes back on. So what is there to wear? Luckily there is plenty of skimpy Lingerie. So the rest of the film they are running around in Lingerie and heels. In between taking showers the girls find and open a puzzle box that contains the spirit of a killer who killed members of a Sorority House. Someone in the building becomes possessed by him and starts killing off the girls one by one. Although at its core it's a slasher film. (Alternative title Sorority House Massacre 3) Director Jim Wynorski in a touch of genius tries to add a bit of action by giving the girls machine guns. What follows is some extreme over the top gun play. (It would put John Woo to shame) all of course while still wearing lingerie. Gail Harris, Karen Mayo-Chandler, Deborah Dutch, Melissa Moore and Bridget Carney are all enjoyable to watch. Orville Ketchum takes allot of punishment thought-out and is humorous in the way he takes it. Babes, Blood and automatic weapons. A must see for any cult film fan or if any fan of soft-core T&A.

Bitch Slap

This is a glossy update on the exploitation genre. In a homage to Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Three smoking hot girls Trixie, Hel and Camero travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin. But are the girls all that they seem? Cue 90 minutes of slow motion cleavage shots, spilt screens and big guns. It's clearly predominantly been shot on green screen. So all the CGI backgrounds give the whole thing an eye-catching graphic novel style akin to Sin City. Although all the girls in this film are scantily clad and there are scenes of lesbianism. The nudity count is zero. It's all shot in an erotic way rather than being too porno. The soundtrack is thumping. And I can truly say that one of the fight scenes is as good as anything I've ever seen. Two hot girls kicking seven shades of hell out of each other. No cat fighting here, this is brutal violence. America Olivo as Camero really steels the film for me. Her performance as a tough no nonsense, slightly unhinged kick ass psycho is astonishing. Look out for some nice cameos from Lucy Lawless and Kevin Sorbo. Some crazy plot twists and it all adds up to a toughly non-stop entertaining enjoyable watch.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes

This whole film has its tongue firmly placed in cheek. Its Trippy, its Camp and it's all about surreal embellishment and melodramatic excess. Realism plays no part in this. From the blood that resembles strawberry juice to Price's outrageously theatrical make-up. But as long as you have a macabre sense of humour, I think you will enjoy this film as much as I did. Price is at his hammy best as the disfigured organ playing Dr.Phibes. Phibes is seeking revenge on the group of surgeons, who he blames for killing his wife in an unnamed surgical operation. What follows is a compelling carnival of murder in an art deco looking world. All the murders (based on the plagues of Egypt) are as much genius as they are ridiculous. Rats on planes and shrinking frog masks to name just a couple. And there is a sick death trap/puzzle at the end, which is equally as disturbing as anything seen in a Saw movie. At its heart this film is a love-story. Price gives an outstanding performance as the anguished Phibes. Creepy and funny, yet tragic all at the same time. Comic moments come from Peter Jeffrey as the apparently slow Inspector Trout. Also look out for Terry-Thomas and an uncredited role for Caroline Munro.

Sexykiller, morirás por ella

I'm not sure how to categorize this Spanish film? It's a Serial killer, zombie, slasher and comedy all rolled into one. And it's absolutely fantastic. Clearly not taking itself too seriously, it's just fun all the way. Everything you'd want in a horror is here. Graphic and Gory deaths and lots of superfluous nudity. The Comic aspect works well. There were moments when I was in fits of laughter. Also Somehow in-between all the mayhem of murder, it finds time to fit in a love story. There are plenty of references to over horror films. Hell they even manage to reference the teletubbies. Also what stands out is Macarena Gómez throughout the film breaks down the 4th wall. Chatting to the camera like a diary. And talking of Gómez, she is wonderful as the sexy killer Barbara. She is energetic, bubbly and extremely sexy. The pacing of the film is spot on. I wasn't bored for a minute. Yes it's a goofy film, but ever so much fun. I highly recommend you give this ago.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs the Unliving Dead

Be in no doubt that this film is pure exploitation. Young Japanese girls parading around in school uniforms & bathing suits. And just in case you thought this was anything but. When you hit the scene with Sasa Handa in a wet bikini doing pushups with a ball-gag in her mouth! Any Uncertainty will have disappeared. The "plot" revolves around a virus that is turning all the school students not on the swim team into zombies. The aforementioned Japanese AV star Sasa Handa plays Aki, a new transfer student with a secret. Along with the swim team she sets out to take down the zombies.The Zombie Horror is really secondary to the Soft-core T&A. There are some nice moments of gore. But the budget is so low that they are more comical than shocking. Some of the camera shots are plainly outrageous and superfluous. Up-skirt shots, slow monition running and plenty of Soft-core lesbian scenes throughout. It all adds up to make this very silly, absurd and sexist. But oh so very enjoyable.